I haven't written in 21 days.
That's 3 weeks.
I have been a bit stuck, and quiet which for me is a bit rare.
I am in limbo.
I found out on Tuesday that my final diagnosis is Stage 1 Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, ER+, PR+, HER2-. I know that is a lot of gobbeldy gook, but in the end it means that I will be getting 4 weeks of radiation and will be put on a hormone blocker for either 5 or 10 years of my life and will have many of the effects of menopause without actually being in menopause. For the most part, it's a good diagnosis and it hasn't spread which is very positive.
In two weeks I will make the final decision on whether or not to do chemotherapy based on the results of a test that has been sent to California which will tell us more about the possibility of recurrence. I am seriously hoping for good results. I don't want to do chemotherapy.
In the mean time, I take my time to think and to live. I do what is important to me. I create art and live as fully as I can.
But there is one thing. Emotionally, I am exhausted. Being in limbo for about 2 months straight is hard.
I am a woman who some in the business world call a Quick Start. I get a gazillion ideas daily and the ones that stick I initiate as soon as possible. After I finish that initiative, I get another idea aand want to move onto that. So when I was diagnosed on June 17, I thought that I would immediately start treatments. I was like hup hup - let's get this underway. But things take time. Tests need to be done, and treatments seriously considered. There is no jumping into an idea quickly unless the treatment plan is clear from the get go. And that is not my situation.
So I learn how to take my time. How not to freak out. How to educate myself in a way that isn't alarming but healing. How to deal with friends who can't deal with the diagnosis and vanish from my life. I am taking classes at the local cancer centre and am doing a few secret projects that keep me feeling creatively inspired.
For a few days I was feeling guilty about keeping this blog. There are so many others in much more dire situations, and that along with others telling me how great my diagnosis is left me wondering what my problem is. My diagnosis is positive and they oncologists feel good about finding it very early. And just a couple of nights ago, I realized that was stupid. I have cancer. It's important that I don't discredit my experience, because at the end of the day this is a horrible disease no matter what stage and I do believe that it has changed my outlook on life. For better and for worse.
Tomorrow is my son's 6th Birthday. We will spend the day at the beach surrounded by our loved ones. There is no other thing I would rather be doing. Taking time out to celebrate his life, and soak in the lake, and enjoy our time together.
I urge you to take the time to be with your loved ones. Do what you want. Take your time. Because right now, it's yours to take.