I seem to wake everyday between 3:30 and 4:00 am.
It's the time of day where everything is quiet.
For the first few minutes I am at peace, and as i begin to wake up and remember my situation my brain starts racing.
It goes from thought to thought. Some of my thoughts this morning look like this:
Never in my life did I think that I would have cancer.
I have been around those with cancer. I helped my father when he was sick with multiple myeloma. Been a support for some of my dearest friends. You see, I am good at taking care of others. I am not good at being taken care of.
I think about the language of cancer. Of the battle, of how we are going to kick it in the ass. And how I feel confused about that language within my own body.
I think about this slow growing tumour. Sometimes I feel it, and I wish it was out of my body, not in it.
I think about my dad a lot. About how wrecked he would be if he were here. But also about how much I miss him. I remember the time i had my wisdom teeth out and how he made me chicken noodle soup.
And i think about how strong people say that I am. But none of this feels strong. It feels scary. It feels overwhelming.
I try to stay positive. I listen to the sounds outside my window. The birds begin chirping. At first it's just one bird, and then they all start to chime in, as if it's their daily song to wake up to. And then they start to quiet, the same way my brain does.
My thoughts begin to slow down.
and I close my eyes.
And try to find peace from these early morning thoughts.